March 30, 2014
I ran THREE miles today, outside.
It may not seem like much to some, and to some, my excitement about this completed task makes perfect sense!
When I was in grade school, running would only give me an asthma attack, which was scary. I remember I would get hot, my chest would start itching and stinging, and then a full blown asthma attack and me gasping for air in PE class, and I would be stuck at school with no inhaler.
When I was in Junior High School, we did a lot of conditioning for Volleyball, and the running part was always difficult for me. I participated in Track, but I hated the long distance run. The asthma attacks that I had experienced when I was younger still occurred on occasion, but if they didn’t, I had so much anxiety anticipating an asthma attack, that made it hard to breathe.
High School, pretty much the same story with Basketball and Volleyball.
After High School, I never really saw a reason to run. I didn’t like it. Why would I do it?
As I got older and exercise became more important to me, I had tried running/jogging a few times instead of walking (which I really do love to do) in order to get my heart rate up, but always feeling a bit of a “panic” feeling, I had decided that it just wasn’t for me. Inhaler and all, I couldn’t do it. My body was not the body of a runner. It wouldn’t cooperate. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to try. I couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t do it. I believed that. I wanted to believe that. Then I wouldn’t have to try. I could blame my asthma, my anxiety. I really didn’t think that I had it in me to do it. I didn’t think I had the stamina. I didn’t think I would be able to control my breathing. I thought my body weighed too much to be able to run for that long. The people that I see running are thin. Lean. They look light on their feet. Most of them. I was too heavy. I was too slow.
Maybe at goal weight, I could run.
Somewhere in that bright little kid of mine’s head (okay fine, she’s 22) she decided that the two of us should really push ourselves and train for a 5K. Really, I had no interest. I didn’t want to disappoint her. I didn’t want to say that I would do it, and then NOT be able to actually complete it. But there was just something about the idea of it. There was something about the challenge. I needed a challenge. I had gone to visit her the first week in February and we were talking about plans and goals for the year. While having coffee that morning and talking about life, we signed up for a 5K, and we decided that together, we would run it. We would run it without stopping.
So, I started training with this little phone app telling me what to do, and then doing it.
Each time that I ran longer than I ever had, I couldn’t believe it. I was making progress. The whole time I really was thinking that running THREE miles sounded awful, and I just wasn’t sure that I would be able to complete it. Going back to the thoughts that, I’m just not going to be able to do it. I’m not fast. I can’t run very far. I can’t run very long. I can’t do this. I had no confidence in my bodies ability to complete this physical task.
All of a sudden, the training app had me running 20 minutes. Then 22 minutes. Then 24 minutes. I had ran for two miles! Then I ran for 28 minutes. Then I ran for 30 minutes. Then I ran for 31 minutes. That’s when I finally believed in myself. Holy Shit. I am going to run THREE miles. I can do this.
Then I did.
I’ve had a hard time along this weight loss journey actually believing that I could weigh 150 pounds. I have a hard time believing sometimes that I am strong enough to get there. I have a hard time imagining myself at a weight that I have never been. I’ve always been that person trying to lose 40, 30 or 20 pounds. I’ve never been the person that wasn’t trying to lose weight. For some reason, there is a part of me that finds reaching my goal a bit scary. It’s funny. It’s my goal. It’s what I want, yet I got so close to it, and then backed away. It always seemed like I would just constantly be working towards it, but I never really believed that I would get there.
I never really believed that I could run THREE miles. Today, I did.
It gives me the confidence that I needed to believe that I can reach my goal weight.
The Weight of My Weight. It’s Heavy.
“love the life you live, live the life you love”