Where Have I Been?

I kind of fell apart.

Since finding out that I had an Iliac Aneurysm a few weeks ago (an aneurysm located in the abdomen) I let my mind go to the worst place that it could have gone.

All that I could think about were the drastic measures that I had taken after my breast cancer diagnosis. Have a Double Mastectomy. No Implants! Go through a 10 hour surgery, have my entire torso cut open and have my belly fat transferred to my breast area and make new breast. Schedule a hysterectomy to remove Ovaries since my Breast Cancer is estrogen positive and eliminate the ovaries to eliminate any extra estrogen and to eliminate the chance of Ovarian Cancer since it runs in my family. Take my Uterus too. One of the drugs that I will now be taking to reduce the risk of a Breast Cancer reoccurrence can cause Uterine Cancer! Take everything female out of my body so I can continue with my plan to live to be 100. That’s the biggest reason for my weight loss and so many changes in my diet and routine over the last several years! I want to be as healthy as I can be and if I do live to be 100, I want to feel my best at 100 as anyone can feel!

I took so many steps to run away from cancer, fight cancer, get rid of the cancer in my body, only to find out that I had an aneurysm. I was kinda pissed.

On March 7, I met with a Vascular Surgeon to look at my CT and discuss my aneurysm. I was actually hoping that he would tell us that it was large enough that he wanted to go in and repair it and then I wouldn’t have to worry about it any longer. That’s not what he said. I know that this is good news. He said that we would do an ultrasound and see if the size had changed since the CT was done in October, and that if it had not changed in size, then we would monitor it every six months.

Mike asked…”Since we know it’s there, why can’t you just go in and fix it?”

Doc….”When it is this size, it is actually more of a risk to go in and repair it.”

Me…..Blubbering idiot, immediately.

I know that I should be so happy that it is not of concern now, but honestly I hate that I now know that it is in there and I know that I will constantly be thinking about it. For a long while anyhow. I am learning that people live with aneurysms all the time and I understand that should be comforting to me. I also know that it is a really good thing that I know that it is there, that way it can be monitored. I just want to fix it and move on.

I felt like with the Cancer diagnosis, I had options. There are no options with this. I don’t like it. I feel so out of control.

We had so many stressful and emotional things happening in the weeks that preceded my breast cancer diagnosis, then days after the diagnosis so many things happened that simply drained both of us physically and emotionally. It was difficult for me to compartmentalize it all.

So, I decided to just be as strong as I could be, make decisions, and move forward.

For whatever reason, discovering the aneurysm took its toll on me. Then after leaving the vascular surgeons office last week, I just fell apart. All of the details of the last 8 months hit me hard.

I was supposed to pick up Tess and Manuel at the airport late Wednesday night, the day I was falling apart. I didn’t even do that. Mike picked them up, which scared Tess. Then I was mad at myself for scaring my kid and being a shitty mom. I felt selfish for wallowing and worrying her.

Tess and Manuel were here for a long weekend and it ended up being great that her and I got to see each other. We had a good cry together and Mike did a great job of letting me fall apart when he knew I couldn’t help it.

This morning, I had my ultrasound, and according to the tech, (I have not officially heard from the doc yet) my aneurysm seems to be about the same size as it was in October, so we will monitor it. I still don’t like that answer, but I am doing my best to accept it.

Having my next surgery has been approved by the vascular surgeon and is now scheduled.

I will have phase 2 of my breast reconstruction surgery and a hysterectomy next week on Wednesday, March 21st.

I am so ready to have this next surgery out of the way. They say that the recovery will be about six weeks, but I am thinking four outta do it! I won’t do anything I’m not comfortable with, but four weeks sounds doable.

I’m in a much better place today than I was just a few days ago and I am SO looking forward to getting back to normal with a routine that includes blogging about my Weight Watcher life!

Please remember to do a monthly self breast exam and feel for any unusual lumps, bumps, dimples or changes in your breast. Men too!

Doing this rmonthly will familiarize you with your own body so you will recognize a change if it does occur.

I found my lump and I think I saved my life!

Thank you all for your emails and text messages while I’ve been away from the blog. You are all just so nice.

Normalcy is just around the corner! I feel it!

2018 Goals
Make time each week to Meal Plan
Drink 100 ounces of water each day
Exercise 5 days a week
Eat three meals and one snack daily
Fitbit 10,000 Daily Steps

“Love the live you live, live the life you love”