I Don’t Have a Weight Problem, I Have a Food Problem

December 7, 2014

I REALLY struggled to write this blog post. I’ve started it over and over and over again since Friday. 

If Food Addiction is a real thing, (I haven’t done the research, so I really don’t know the answer), then I am a food addict. 

I don’t have a weight problem, I have a FOOD problem.

All the way to my WW meeting on Friday, I was in some deep thought. Deep thought about life, family, friends, relationships, current events, goals, lack of goals, food, exercise…….my thoughts were racing like crazy! I gave myself a headache from thinking.

When I got to my meeting, I opened up my Weight Watcher book and I realized that it had been 4 weeks since I had been to a meeting! I knew about where my weight was, and after weighing in, I was correct. I’m back in the 170’s. I weigh 173.

A little refresh of my journey. My Goal weight with Weight Watchers is 160. My highest weight ever, was 212. A year and a half ago, I got to 160, then went into the 150’s and maintained that for a few months. When the holidays rolled around last year, I creeped back into the 160’s and never have been back at my goal weight of 160. I’ve gained 5, lost 5, gained 7, lost 5, gained 4, lost 2…..basically for the last year.

I joined Weight Watcher’s in 2009 because I wanted to be healthy. I have drastically changed the way that I cook and the foods that I eat, yet I still struggle with over eating.

I very rarely eat Fast Food, I eat very little processed foods, I drink very little diet soda, I eat a lot of chicken and salmon, I drink a ton of water and I eat a lot of fruits and veggiesI I am putting good things into my body.

I started taking Yoga classes in May and I really like it, and I love to walk.

These are all great things that have contributed to a much healthier life style for me and have helped me to feel like a healthy person. Yes, even at 173, I feel like a very healthy person.

But…….I over eat. I eat too much fruit. I eat too many sweet potatoes. I eat too much salmon. I eat too many raw nuts. I eat too much hummus with my veggies. I eat too much cheese and I drink too much wine. 

There are days that I have it completely under control. There are days that I don’t at all.

As a Wegiht Watcher member, or anyone trying to lose weight and eat healthy, you are advised to indulge once in a while so you don’t feel deprived. That’s tough for me. If I eat 10 peanut M&M’s, I am NOT satisfied! I want more! I’ll eat them until I feel sick. After eating 10 Peanut M&M’s, now I have the taste in my mouth, and it’s all that I can think about. I’d be much better off not eating any at all. 

Would it be realistic for an alcoholic to drink one drink? Probably not.

Would it be realistic for a drug addict to do just a little bit of drugs? I don’t think so.

Being addicted to food, means that every single day, several times a day, you are faced with your addiction, and then making the decision of what food and how much food you will put into your mouth.

(I am in no way saying that it would be easier for me to be an alcoholic or a drug addict.  I am just saying that food addiction, whether it even be a real thing or not, is weird, because obviously, food is needed for survival, but this is a thought that I have had before. Please forgive me if it sounds completely ignorant.)

There are days that I am so strong, nothing can keep me from making the right choices. Then there are days where I start out strong, then I trip, then I fall, then I beat myself up, and I make excuses, and I care, and then I don’t care, and then the emotional roller coaster begins. Those day’s can be so exhausting, and then I become frustrated with myself for letting it consume so much of me and my thoughts and my time.

I remember when I got into the 150’s, how proud of myself I was. At some point, the compliments became embarrassing and I couldn’t figure out why. I’m one of those people that loves attention. Why was this bothering me? Then after some deep thought, I figured it out.

If I walked into a room full of people, and someone complimented me, it was like shouting to the room, “Look everyone! Julie seems to have her food issues under control right now.”

Then 10 pounds came back. Walking into a crowded room, I felt like my body was shouting….”Yep. I’ve lost all control. I’ve been weak. I’ve failed. I eat all the time. I have a problem with Food. Hi everybody!”

I do remember worrying about that when I got into the 150’s. What if I gain weight back? What will people think?

I wish I didn’t care, but I’m human, and I think’s it’s completely normal to think and feel that way. I would imagine anyone that has lost weight, then gained some back, would likely agree with me.

I’ve noticed something else.

When things in life are going really well, family life, social life, work life, weighing whatever I weigh, even 170, everything seems okay. I find myself looking at the big picture. My health. I feel strong, I feel healthy, I make new goals, I feel in control, I pat myself on the back and I move forward.

When things in life are NOT going really well, for whatever reason, my weight bothers me like crazy!! I beat myself up about every bad decision, and the good decisions go completely unrecognized.

I walked into my meeting on Friday, and I saw a member that I had not seen in a while. When I asked her how she was, she replied, “not good”. I knew immediately that she was referring to the number on the scale more than she was referring to her life. I had done the same thing. In the opposite way as well. I have a good weigh in, someone ask how I am, I reply “Great! You?”

I told her that I wasn’t really asking her how her weigh in went, but how was life? We laughed and agreed that our attitudes about our weigh in (not really so much our current weight) typically reflected how our life was going at the time.

We had a good chat, and agreed that we were leaving the meeting feeling much better than we had than when we had walked in the door.

I don’t really know how to end this post today, but today I feel really good. Tuesday I might feel like crap. Who knows.

It really is “One Day at a Time”, “One Meal at a Time”, “One Bite at a Time”, and that’s the best way that I can describe it.

Today, I feel good. This is me. 173. 

I have no idea why I looked up, maybe for guidance.

IMG_3542

Now I’m headed out the door for a date afternoon of watching the Chiefs game over a long lunch with my hubby, then maybe a movie.

Go Chiefs! 

 

“love the life you live, live the life you love”

julesfarm@yahoo.com

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28 responses to I Don’t Have a Weight Problem, I Have a Food Problem

  1. julesfarm@yahoo.com December 8, 2014 at 7:46 pm

    Thanks Kim.

    I probably shouldn’t have put that in there about worrying what people think, because I don’t think that I do for the most part. I guess I was just saying that the way my body looks lets everyone know whether I’m in a good place or a bad place with my food struggles at the time. Some days I’m ready to tell the whole world, and other days I don’t want to think about it or talk about it.

    I am lucky to have a husband that has always told me that I am sexy, whether I way 210 or 160. I’ve heard stories from women that have not had supportive husbands, and I can’t imagine having someone making you feel bad about your weight if you’re already feeling bad enough your self!

    Yep. I’m lucky.

    ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. julesfarm@yahoo.com December 8, 2014 at 7:38 pm

    Thank you Kristin!

    I LOVE that you are recognizing where you want to be in the tough month of DECEMBER!! I think it truly must be one of the hardest months to lose, even to maintain!

    We have to keep patting ourselves on the back for the little things, and making a decision to be cautious this month is a HUGE pat on the back as far as I’m concerned. High fives all over the place!

    Thanks for reading and thanks for reaching out!

    Julie

  3. Julie,

    I’ve been following your wonderful blog for about a month or so and really needed to read this. Seems like we are all in the same boat. I am up about 15 pounds from last year at this time and THEN I had hit may all-time low. I was so excited and proud and thought that I would keep the momentum going through the holidays. Well I did but then after the holidays the pounds started to creep back on, followed by a VERY busy but fun summer (weddings, funerals, family parties, birthdays, happy hours, etc.). Now I’m totally upset with myself for letting the best of the summer (eating and working out) get away from me. So – with a few weeks before Christmas I’m going to try to lose those 15 pounds? Am I crazy? Sometimes I feel so lost. I know what I need to do and yet don’t do it! I do have to remember what it is that I AM doing better (more fruits/veggies and working out) and that helps. But I could really use the help with the food and keeping things simple.

    Thank you for your blog and it’s great reading all the comments from your other followers. You are truly an inspiration.

  4. Kim Kepford-Eiland December 8, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    It’s amazing that all of us have reconnected via FB! We need to get together!! Back to this weight thing I struggle every day to make the right choices . You look absolutely amazing! Quit worrying about what others think. That guy that you travel,have amazing dates with he is all that matters!! When you see his eyes light up….you know you are on the right track!!

  5. julesfarm@yahoo.com December 8, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    Laurie,

    It’s so easy as a mom to worry about and take care of everyone else and put ourselves last, but it is so true, we have got to remember to take care of ourselves. The better we feel, the easier it is to do what needs to be done to TAKE care of everyone else in our lives that need us!

    I’m so glad you are taking care of YOU!

    You have a great week too!

    Julie

  6. YES! My son entered rehab in late October for alcohol abuse. I did the family program there and had 30 minutes with a counselor there. She told me that it was time to take care of ME! Boy did that hit me like a ton of bricks. But she was/is right! The past 3 years or so I have been taking care of others and forgot about me. I am working on that now because I (YOU) AM WORTH IT!

    Have a great week!
    Laurie

  7. julesfarm@yahoo.com December 8, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Awe. Hi Rheon! I’m so glad Tess shared!

    First of all, CONGRATS on graduating! It is such an exciting time in your life! You should be very proud of yourself!

    I love WW. I think they do a great job of teaching us how to eat!

    One of the biggest responsibilities you will have now in your new adult life is taking good care of yourself! I applaud you for joining Weight Watchers and wish you great success at it, and in life!

    Thanks for reading and thank you for taking the time to send me a comment!

    Have a Happy and Healthy Week!

    Julie

  8. Hi, Mrs. Julie!!! My name is Rheon and I recently joined WW in September after graduating college in May in a quest to lose ALL the college weight! I’ve loved WW and the journey so far. I’m super excited I found your blog via Facebook from the post your daughter, Tess made!! Thanks for being so honest and relatable, sometimes it’s just nice to know there’s someone else out there that can relate to the struggle! ๐Ÿ™‚ GO-RILLAS!!!