I REALLY struggled to write this blog post. I’ve started it over and over and over again since Friday.
If Food Addiction is a real thing, (I haven’t done the research, so I really don’t know the answer), then I am a food addict.
I don’t have a weight problem, I have a FOOD problem.
All the way to my WW meeting on Friday, I was in some deep thought. Deep thought about life, family, friends, relationships, current events, goals, lack of goals, food, exercise…….my thoughts were racing like crazy! I gave myself a headache from thinking.
When I got to my meeting, I opened up my Weight Watcher book and I realized that it had been 4 weeks since I had been to a meeting! I knew about where my weight was, and after weighing in, I was correct. I’m back in the 170’s. I weigh 173.
A little refresh of my journey. My Goal weight with Weight Watchers is 160. My highest weight ever, was 212. A year and a half ago, I got to 160, then went into the 150’s and maintained that for a few months. When the holidays rolled around last year, I creeped back into the 160’s and never have been back at my goal weight of 160. I’ve gained 5, lost 5, gained 7, lost 5, gained 4, lost 2…..basically for the last year.
I joined Weight Watcher’s in 2009 because I wanted to be healthy. I have drastically changed the way that I cook and the foods that I eat, yet I still struggle with over eating.
I very rarely eat Fast Food, I eat very little processed foods, I drink very little diet soda, I eat a lot of chicken and salmon, I drink a ton of water and I eat a lot of fruits and veggiesI I am putting good things into my body.
I started taking Yoga classes in May and I really like it, and I love to walk.
These are all great things that have contributed to a much healthier life style for me and have helped me to feel like a healthy person. Yes, even at 173, I feel like a very healthy person.
But…….I over eat. I eat too much fruit. I eat too many sweet potatoes. I eat too much salmon. I eat too many raw nuts. I eat too much hummus with my veggies. I eat too much cheese and I drink too much wine.
There are days that I have it completely under control. There are days that I don’t at all.
As a Wegiht Watcher member, or anyone trying to lose weight and eat healthy, you are advised to indulge once in a while so you don’t feel deprived. That’s tough for me. If I eat 10 peanut M&M’s, I am NOT satisfied! I want more! I’ll eat them until I feel sick. After eating 10 Peanut M&M’s, now I have the taste in my mouth, and it’s all that I can think about. I’d be much better off not eating any at all.
Would it be realistic for an alcoholic to drink one drink? Probably not.
Would it be realistic for a drug addict to do just a little bit of drugs? I don’t think so.
Being addicted to food, means that every single day, several times a day, you are faced with your addiction, and then making the decision of what food and how much food you will put into your mouth.
(I am in no way saying that it would be easier for me to be an alcoholic or a drug addict. I am just saying that food addiction, whether it even be a real thing or not, is weird, because obviously, food is needed for survival, but this is a thought that I have had before. Please forgive me if it sounds completely ignorant.)
There are days that I am so strong, nothing can keep me from making the right choices. Then there are days where I start out strong, then I trip, then I fall, then I beat myself up, and I make excuses, and I care, and then I don’t care, and then the emotional roller coaster begins. Those day’s can be so exhausting, and then I become frustrated with myself for letting it consume so much of me and my thoughts and my time.
I remember when I got into the 150’s, how proud of myself I was. At some point, the compliments became embarrassing and I couldn’t figure out why. I’m one of those people that loves attention. Why was this bothering me? Then after some deep thought, I figured it out.
If I walked into a room full of people, and someone complimented me, it was like shouting to the room, “Look everyone! Julie seems to have her food issues under control right now.”
Then 10 pounds came back. Walking into a crowded room, I felt like my body was shouting….”Yep. I’ve lost all control. I’ve been weak. I’ve failed. I eat all the time. I have a problem with Food. Hi everybody!”
I do remember worrying about that when I got into the 150’s. What if I gain weight back? What will people think?
I wish I didn’t care, but I’m human, and I think’s it’s completely normal to think and feel that way. I would imagine anyone that has lost weight, then gained some back, would likely agree with me.
I’ve noticed something else.
When things in life are going really well, family life, social life, work life, weighing whatever I weigh, even 170, everything seems okay. I find myself looking at the big picture. My health. I feel strong, I feel healthy, I make new goals, I feel in control, I pat myself on the back and I move forward.
When things in life are NOT going really well, for whatever reason, my weight bothers me like crazy!! I beat myself up about every bad decision, and the good decisions go completely unrecognized.
I walked into my meeting on Friday, and I saw a member that I had not seen in a while. When I asked her how she was, she replied, “not good”. I knew immediately that she was referring to the number on the scale more than she was referring to her life. I had done the same thing. In the opposite way as well. I have a good weigh in, someone ask how I am, I reply “Great! You?”
I told her that I wasn’t really asking her how her weigh in went, but how was life? We laughed and agreed that our attitudes about our weigh in (not really so much our current weight) typically reflected how our life was going at the time.
We had a good chat, and agreed that we were leaving the meeting feeling much better than we had than when we had walked in the door.
I don’t really know how to end this post today, but today I feel really good. Tuesday I might feel like crap. Who knows.
It really is “One Day at a Time”, “One Meal at a Time”, “One Bite at a Time”, and that’s the best way that I can describe it.
Today, I feel good. This is me. 173.
I have no idea why I looked up, maybe for guidance.
Now I’m headed out the door for a date afternoon of watching the Chiefs game over a long lunch with my hubby, then maybe a movie.
“love the life you live, live the life you love”