I REALLY struggled to write this blog post. I’ve started it over and over and over again since Friday.
If Food Addiction is a real thing, (I haven’t done the research, so I really don’t know the answer), then I am a food addict.
I don’t have a weight problem, I have a FOOD problem.
All the way to my WW meeting on Friday, I was in some deep thought. Deep thought about life, family, friends, relationships, current events, goals, lack of goals, food, exercise…….my thoughts were racing like crazy! I gave myself a headache from thinking.
When I got to my meeting, I opened up my Weight Watcher book and I realized that it had been 4 weeks since I had been to a meeting! I knew about where my weight was, and after weighing in, I was correct. I’m back in the 170’s. I weigh 173.
A little refresh of my journey. My Goal weight with Weight Watchers is 160. My highest weight ever, was 212. A year and a half ago, I got to 160, then went into the 150’s and maintained that for a few months. When the holidays rolled around last year, I creeped back into the 160’s and never have been back at my goal weight of 160. I’ve gained 5, lost 5, gained 7, lost 5, gained 4, lost 2…..basically for the last year.
I joined Weight Watcher’s in 2009 because I wanted to be healthy. I have drastically changed the way that I cook and the foods that I eat, yet I still struggle with over eating.
I very rarely eat Fast Food, I eat very little processed foods, I drink very little diet soda, I eat a lot of chicken and salmon, I drink a ton of water and I eat a lot of fruits and veggiesI I am putting good things into my body.
I started taking Yoga classes in May and I really like it, and I love to walk.
These are all great things that have contributed to a much healthier life style for me and have helped me to feel like a healthy person. Yes, even at 173, I feel like a very healthy person.
But…….I over eat. I eat too much fruit. I eat too many sweet potatoes. I eat too much salmon. I eat too many raw nuts. I eat too much hummus with my veggies. I eat too much cheese and I drink too much wine.
There are days that I have it completely under control. There are days that I don’t at all.
As a Wegiht Watcher member, or anyone trying to lose weight and eat healthy, you are advised to indulge once in a while so you don’t feel deprived. That’s tough for me. If I eat 10 peanut M&M’s, I am NOT satisfied! I want more! I’ll eat them until I feel sick. After eating 10 Peanut M&M’s, now I have the taste in my mouth, and it’s all that I can think about. I’d be much better off not eating any at all.
Would it be realistic for an alcoholic to drink one drink? Probably not.
Would it be realistic for a drug addict to do just a little bit of drugs? I don’t think so.
Being addicted to food, means that every single day, several times a day, you are faced with your addiction, and then making the decision of what food and how much food you will put into your mouth.
(I am in no way saying that it would be easier for me to be an alcoholic or a drug addict. I am just saying that food addiction, whether it even be a real thing or not, is weird, because obviously, food is needed for survival, but this is a thought that I have had before. Please forgive me if it sounds completely ignorant.)
There are days that I am so strong, nothing can keep me from making the right choices. Then there are days where I start out strong, then I trip, then I fall, then I beat myself up, and I make excuses, and I care, and then I don’t care, and then the emotional roller coaster begins. Those day’s can be so exhausting, and then I become frustrated with myself for letting it consume so much of me and my thoughts and my time.
I remember when I got into the 150’s, how proud of myself I was. At some point, the compliments became embarrassing and I couldn’t figure out why. I’m one of those people that loves attention. Why was this bothering me? Then after some deep thought, I figured it out.
If I walked into a room full of people, and someone complimented me, it was like shouting to the room, “Look everyone! Julie seems to have her food issues under control right now.”
Then 10 pounds came back. Walking into a crowded room, I felt like my body was shouting….”Yep. I’ve lost all control. I’ve been weak. I’ve failed. I eat all the time. I have a problem with Food. Hi everybody!”
I do remember worrying about that when I got into the 150’s. What if I gain weight back? What will people think?
I wish I didn’t care, but I’m human, and I think’s it’s completely normal to think and feel that way. I would imagine anyone that has lost weight, then gained some back, would likely agree with me.
I’ve noticed something else.
When things in life are going really well, family life, social life, work life, weighing whatever I weigh, even 170, everything seems okay. I find myself looking at the big picture. My health. I feel strong, I feel healthy, I make new goals, I feel in control, I pat myself on the back and I move forward.
When things in life are NOT going really well, for whatever reason, my weight bothers me like crazy!! I beat myself up about every bad decision, and the good decisions go completely unrecognized.
I walked into my meeting on Friday, and I saw a member that I had not seen in a while. When I asked her how she was, she replied, “not good”. I knew immediately that she was referring to the number on the scale more than she was referring to her life. I had done the same thing. In the opposite way as well. I have a good weigh in, someone ask how I am, I reply “Great! You?”
I told her that I wasn’t really asking her how her weigh in went, but how was life? We laughed and agreed that our attitudes about our weigh in (not really so much our current weight) typically reflected how our life was going at the time.
We had a good chat, and agreed that we were leaving the meeting feeling much better than we had than when we had walked in the door.
I don’t really know how to end this post today, but today I feel really good. Tuesday I might feel like crap. Who knows.
It really is “One Day at a Time”, “One Meal at a Time”, “One Bite at a Time”, and that’s the best way that I can describe it.
Today, I feel good. This is me. 173.
I have no idea why I looked up, maybe for guidance.
Now I’m headed out the door for a date afternoon of watching the Chiefs game over a long lunch with my hubby, then maybe a movie.
Go Chiefs!
“love the life you live, live the life you love”
Thank you so much for the compliment. My actually MAX weight according to the BMI chart is 150. I had to get a doctors note saying that 160 was a healthy weight for me in order for that to be my goal weight with WW. I really wanted to be a WW Leader when I first started this journey in hopes that that would help me to maintain a healthy weight, continue a healthy lifestyle, and inspire others to be healthy.
I have weighed 160 at times throughout my life and maintained it for a long time. I feel much better in my clothes at 160 than I do at 170.
I wouldn’t say that I have even given up at ever weighting 150 so I can be a Leader, but the things that I was hoping for as a WW Leader, being healthy and inspiring others, I’ve unexpectedly been able to do on my own through my blog!
🙂
Thanks for reading, and thank you so much for taking the time to comment!
Julie
Hi Kim,
I agree. There are weeks of weigh in’s where I let that number on the scale determine my mood for the entire week! Then I’d think I’d had a great week, but the scale didn’t reflect that, and I would be so upset and confused! I have gotten better about not letting that number determine my mood. T
here are many times when I go to weigh in that I tell them that I don’t want to look at my “number”, so they just cover up the scale so I can’t see it!
Good for you for taking back the power!!
Have an awesome week!
Julie
I could have written this word for word. I have never really been heavy (10 lbs. max over my ideal weight), but I have a *food problem*. I have decided to ditch the scale and go by how my clothes feel. I am on the WW program (back on tomorrow morning/I fell off the wagon all last week), but that scale has too much power over me…and it’s time I take it back!
Julie you look fabulous. You could tell me you weigh 150 and I would believe you. Just curious how you came up with the goal of 160? Maybe your ideal weight is closer to 170? I’ve been at the same weight +\- 5 pounds since I had kids. It seems when I try to get below that weight that I really have a hard time dropping it. If you feel good and are feeling like your life is in balance that is good,right? If I followed the charts and graphs out there, they would tell me that I need to lose 15 pounds. I haven’t weighed that weight since I went through my divorce. And it was because of nerves and stress. I support you in any goal you have and just wanted to let you know that you look great!
Sherry,
I have really enjoyed our chats in the past and would LOVE to meet for coffee and chat again!
Let’s plan it!
Julie
Roberta!
We’ve encouraged each other before, we can do it again!
I’ll check out your blog post!
Julie
Thank you Pam!
Allison,
Thank you for making today the day that you left a comment. I find so much comfort in knowing that I am not the only one.
Thanks for reading!
Let’s make this a healthy week together!
Julie
Lori,
I can’t believe how many times I’ve thought that I had the whole trigger food thing under control, brought the trigger food’s back into my house, ate too much of it, then put the rest down the garbage disposal.
I MUST KEEP TRIGGER FOODS OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!
I appreciate the comments because it reminds too, that I am not the only one with these crazy food thoughts.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for your kind words.
I’ll keep blogging, and you keep working towards your goal!
Julie
Kim!
I can’t believe that after all of these years, we have reconnected over Facebook, and I’m so excited to see that you read the blog! Thank you so much for your kind words. I really do appreciate them.
You are so right! That scale IS the devil!
See you on Facebook!
Julie
Thanks for reading Laurie, and thank you for taking the time to comment.
Let’s have a Healthy and Happy week, and recognize our strengths and the positive steps that we are making in living a healthier life!
Julie
Julie,
I appreciate your honesty and like so many others feel your pain and frustration with this weight loss process or should I say getting healthy process. I could easily say “ditto” to all you just wrote. Hang in there and let’s try to meet for coffee again soon.
Me too! I started blogging again yesterday for exactly the same reason. And exactly the same weight (as of this morning). I’m not posting to Facebook. I figured those that really wanted to find out that I was blogging would find out sooner or later. We can do this. I’m seeing a new personal trainer at 7:00am tomorrow. Ran 4.2 miles today and 3 miles yesterday. Counting calories. Back to basics. This is hard, but we will figure it out.
Great post– I have all of these thoughts in my head.
I haven’t never commented about your posts and thought today would be a good day!
Relate entirely with your post and the everyday food struggles I face as the scale goes up and down. I thoroughly enjoy your posts and your honest, real life stories that I can relate too.
This was so right on about me, I could have written it. I too cannot just eat one cookie, one snack size candy bar, etc.once the taste is in my mouth and whatever hasn’t been eaten screams my name until I surrender to it all. Best to eat it all at once and not have It torment me the next day, right? Because throwing the rest away or just saying no isn’t an option once the sugar high has started.
I am so glad for your blog as it assures me I am not the only one with insane food addictions and it helps me to direct my thoughts back where they need to be. I can keep going.
And you look fantastic even at 173! Right now I would jump for joy to see 200. That is the goal before my son’s graduation in May. If I am really lucky, I will have lost more than that. 🙂
Keep up the great work and motivating blogging!
Oh my Gosh! #1from one addict to another you look amazing! #2 I struggle daily with food & the same thoughts! It is really annoying I love your honesty and bravery! I would never have the hutspah to put my weight on the world wide web!! You are doing great!! PS. The bathroom scale is the devil…just saying
I hear ya in everything you posted here! And I have had the alcoholic/food addict conversation many times with people. We have to eat to live. Other addicts can remove their addiction and carry on. I’m 17 l bs from goal again, 15 from being free LT. It pisses me off and then I want eat foods that are high fat and eat copious amounts of it. I need to get my shit together! *sigh* Thanks for your honesty Julie! I appreciate it all the way here in MN!
Laurie
Nanci-Jean
I always appreciate your comments!
You are right! We will do this together!
Hugs right back to ya!
Julie
Well you pretty much described my last three years!! I went back to school and gained almost all of my weight back. I had lost 45 lbs (was 206) to reach goal, also of 160. I am currently 178.2lbs. I have been doing the Simply Filling technique and lost 10.4 lbs in a month!! But like you, I love food and sometimes can’t say no, especially if it makes it into the house!! Thank you for your posts, I feel like I have a kindred soul in you. Best of luck on getting back to goal. We will do it together!!
Hugs