Just a Shi**ty Day

Yesterday was a shitty day. It just was.

One year ago yesterday I went in for a biopsy of my breast.

Yesterday I had a regularly scheduled appointment with my oncologist. I hadn’t put much thought into my appointment. I don’t have cancer now. I actually almost forgot about my appointment. As I walked into the cancer center, I just started bawling while walking down the long hallway to the oncologist office. I don’t really know where that came from. Or maybe I do.

I mean, I did have a complete hysterectomy in March, so that could explain some of these emotions. Right?

I remember going alone for my biopsy. I can tell you what I wore. Jeans, a burnt orange sleeveless top and platform flip-flops. I decided to go alone. No biggie.

While checking in, I realized that I had left my wallet in my work bag, so I didn’t have my D.L. or my insurance card with me. I had to call my friend to go to my house and grab those and bring them to me. They asked me if I wanted to reschedule. I was like….WTF??? No!! Do you even understand what you are asking me??? I need to have this biopsy today!! I was nervous and irritated. Going alone was a dumb decision. Never go get a biopsy alone. Even though you don’t get results that day and you think you’re super strong and indepenpent, please do yourself a favor and do not go alone.

There were  “Cancer” posters everywhere. What if I don’t even have cancer? Walking in to get the biopsy at the “cancer center” made me feel like I already had cancer.

Fast forward to the present. I am walking into the Cancer Center yesterday. I am surrounded by people with cancer, or people that have had cancer, or people that will be finding out shortly that they have cancer. It just got to me as I walked down the hallway. I wanted to stand on a platform and yell out…..”I love you all and I’m sorry that you have to be here. Who wants a hug?”

The tears just came. Like, uncontrollably tears. I looked down, and walked to the oncologist office. I stopped the tears long enough to check in, when the lady at the desk told me I was at the wrong office and that I had to go next door. I was like….”The Building next door??” She said, ” No honey, the office next door. Down the hall.”

I walked down the hall. More people. More Cancer. When I checked in, I had to fill out a form of updated health info. With each visit, they put a patient bracelet on. Today they added a  “Fall Risk” bracelet since I was using a crutch.  

More on the knee in just a sec.

I was not at all prepared for the emotions that I would feel when I walked in to the oncologist office yesterday. I am certain that the things that have happened over the last two weeks had a lot to do with how I felt when I walked into that office. In the last two weeks, one of my very close high school friends died tragically, a neighbor of ours has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, stage 4, my good friend that has small cell lung cancer was informed on Tuesday that her cancer is back, I visited a family member during their dialysis treatment and I was not prepared to feel anything emotional at all about that, but I did, (for the last five years he has had dialysis three times a week for almost 5 hours each time and it is for the rest of his life), my daughter Tess is struggling with anxiety (I share that here because she is public about it in hopes of helping others know that they are not alone) and it just all seems to be consuming my thoughts, my emotions, my life and I want to fix everyone today. Why do so many people have to suffer?

I feel numb right now. 

Even though my faith is extremely strong and I am surrounded by a large support group of family and friends, yesterday just got the best of me.

Suddenly, life feels so incredibly short.

I feel like yesterday my entire 51 years flashed before me in a way that it never had and I’m just not sure what to do with it all.

I feel as though I haven’t done enough to show thanks to family and friends for what they have done for me and how loved they have made me feel. I want to be remembered as someone who made people feel loved, feel good, feel better, feel happy and I don’t know that I am doing all that I should be doing or all that I can be doing or even what to do differently.

I feel as though I haven’t done all that I want to do in my own life and that I need to hurry up and do it now!

I feel like I have a second chance and others don’t and I just don’t get it.

I feel overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts, with love from others, with regrets from not doing enough for others, and just so many things that I can not put into words

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I’ve messed up relationships and I’ve tried to fix them without success. I feel an extreme need to fix everything right now!

I have a slew of imperfections and I know that.

I feel like right now I’m supposed to have all of the answers for everyone so they all are happy and healthy.

This is not some movie I’m watching. This is not a TV drama. This is real. It’s really happening for so many people that I love and it just sucks and I don’t know what to do with it all.

I just don’t.

Basically, these are all of the words that fell out of my mouth when the oncologist walked in the exam room yesterday to go over my medication list and give me a breast exam.

She then stopped me and asked me if I would be willing to make an appointment with an Oncology Psychologist because she said that I hadn’t taken a breath since she walked into the exam room.

That somehow made it worse. I kept repeating that I was totally fine, but what about all of the other people that I needed to help.

I assured her that I was just having a “day”.

Oh, I also expressed concern about the scar tissue in my breast and how do I know that it is scar tissue and not cancer.

We talked meds. She doesn’t want me to start any new meds until the knee issues is resolved which I suppose freaks me out a bit because the one drug that I have stopped taking is the one that reduces the risk of a reoccurrence. We did discuss percentages and risk factors and that did give me some ease.

She examined my breast and assured me that all of the lumps that she was feeling were scar tissue. I’m just going to have to trust her.

She gave me the names of the Oncology Psychologist.

 

Today

I had a reality check with myself and I know that I can only offer love and friendship and prayer to those playing the shitty hand that they have been dealt.

Me. I’m fine. It was never really me that I was worried about.

Today I seek out joy for myself and others.

Today I make the choice to do the things that make me feel happy.

Today I check in on those that I love.

Today I find some “me time” so that I strong enough emotionally to take care of my friends and family when they need me.

Today I reach out to those in need of a hug and I hug them tight.

Today I say my prayers for those that need strength, healing and peace.

Today I will be happy and I will look forward to the days ahead.

Today I will practice gratitude for my life.

Today I will live this day to the fullest. 

Yesterday was a shitty day.

Today is not.

 

My Knee

Update. Tuesday I got the call that I had a root meniscus tear on my right kneee and that I needed surgery. I was happy to discover they could get me in on Friday. I am having surgery tomorrow at 9:00 am. I will be in a brace for about 6 weeks. I went in this morning for my pre-op and we are good to go.

I then went to Walmart, bought crutches, a few T-shirt dresses and lots of fruits and veggies.

I told the Doc that I wanted to drive to work at my WW meeting on Wednesday, and he said. “Okay”

 

Sorry for the heavy post.

If you’ve been reading for a while, you know that at times I can be just as heavy as I can be light.

If you’re new and you are still reading, I swear I’ll come up with a funny anecdote within the next few days to lighten the mood around here.

Now, go hug someone.

 

“love the life you live, live the life you love”