4th Cancerversary

Hi Friends!

July 5th was my last post and it’s been so long I don’t even know where to start or how to explain why I haven’t been posting, but I’ll give it a go.

Life has been full and busy with family and lake trips with friends and that all is so great and it makes me so happy. This picure was at a campsite with a beach area just a couple of weeks ago at sunset. Isn’t it just gorgeous? Happy place for certain!

However, my body and brain feel like sludge, so that part’s not so great and it feels like the “not so great” parts of life are consuming me physically and mentally. I lost all interest in blogging as I was really struggling to push the negative things happening to the back of my brain and pull the positive, fun and happy things forward to share. Some days, many days, I feel like I am operating on autopilot. My days seem filled with doctor visits and complaints, (Complaints from me. I’m the one doing the complaining) and who wants to read about that? Nobody I know. So I just stopped sharing.

But…..today is August 31st. It’s an important day for me as this is the 4th Anniversary of my double mastectomy. Some days that feels like forever ago, and some days this body of mine still feels so different and unrecognizable as if it all happened yesterday.

Because I found my lump that sent me to the doctor in the first place, I promised myself that I would always share my story and remind family and friends each month to do a self breast exam as a part of their self care. It feels like my duty. One thing I can do to help. So coming here today is important and being here, writing, is a good place for me to be.

I hope that in continuing to share my story that I can bring some comfort to others diagnosed with breast cancer, even if it just helps them feel a little less scared. I hope to help family and friends have a better understanding of what it is someone with a breast cancer diagnosis may be going through, even though all of our stories can be so very different.

Now, check those boobs. Look for any lumps, dimples, changes in color, discharge. Feel for any changes. The more frequently you do this, the more familiar you will become with your own body and if something ever does change, you will recognize it. Then, call your doctor and advocate for yourself.

I won’t go into all of my current doctor visits, but I will say this. ALWAYS be your own advocate! Ask questions. It’s YOUR body. Get a second opinion if that is an option for you. I decided to get a second opinion from a rheumatologist as every joint in my body is hurting. This particular doctor is telling me something completely different that the first rheumatologist. This doctor is doing quite a bit more lab work and asking me a lot more questions than the previous doctor. I feel more heard. He tells me that I do NOT have an auto immune disease. Anyhow, more testing and appointments over the next few weeks with hopefully some answers. Advocate for yourself.

I’m on year three of Tamoxifen (an estrogen blocker prescribed to breast cancer patients with estrogen positive breast cancer), which my body has hated from the beginning. The oncologist tells me that what I’m experiencing physically has nothing to do with Tamoxifen. Both of the rheumatologist that I have seen tell me they have several patients on Tamoxifen experiencing the same things and that they DO feel the Tamoxifen could be playing a role in what I am feeling happening inside my body. I have two more years to take it. Some days that sounds like an eternity, but I know it’s important as it reduces the risk of reoccurrence, so I have to keep reminding myself of that. I guess my biggest concern is…..will I feel better when I no longer take it, or will I feel like this forever? I think that’s what has gotten to me lately. While I know without a doubt that a positive attitude can make all the difference in the world when going through a difficult time, pretending like you feel fine when you don’t takes a lot of mental and physical energy. I’m tired.

And menopause. Ugh. I had my complete hysterectomy in March of 2018. My only changes post hysterectomy seemed to be hot flashes, (like, I have them all the time) which is also one of the most common side effects of Tamoxifen, so I’m just going to have hot flashes and I’ve adapted to those. My mood was fairly level for the longest time. If anything, I was less emotional. Maybe even a little numb. Now? I’m easily irritated and short. I cry all the time. Like deep cry. Not just a few tears but a cry from the gut and I have no idea why. While I’m crying I don’t know what I’m crying about. I feel overwhelmed with all of these unexplained emotions. Sad. Happy. And any in between. I also have intense brain fog recently. Like, what the heck is happening there? I can’t complete a sentence frequently, so I just stop talking mid sentence. It that menopause? I have no idea but it’s a daily occurrence.

I finally went for a sleep study and I have mild sleep apnea. They suggested a dental appliance as a first option before doing the CPAP mask. I liked that idea so I went for a consultation. The dental appliance was $2,100 out of pocket!!! I said “no thank you”. Now I suppose I need to look into the mask. I am not sleeping well most nights, which probably isn’t helping with the emotions that are all over the place.

How have I been dealing with things? Not great. While I have stayed active (I did decide that HotWorx wasn’t for me, but I’ve fallen back in love with Yoga with Adrienne on YouTube!) with walks and yoga and practiced so many other healthy behaviors, a good month of feeding my feelings has me at a place on the scale that I hate. I mean, really hate.

I don’t feel like a good role model right now for my members. It’s hard to stand up in front of a group of people and feel on your insides like you are failing them. I feel so passionate about my job and about helping other people reach their goals and discover what changes they can make in their own life that will help them reach their goals, but I feel like I’m not succeeding right now at doing those things with them. I’m disappointed in myself to say the least and that’s a hard thing to say here to you, my readers.

After the thumb fiasco from September of 2020 to March of 2021, I felt my energy level drop. I could feel my positivity fading. I felt like I was making so many good decisions in how I was living my life and taking care of my body over the last 10+ years, but it’s like my body doesn’t appreciate those since the cancer. My body doesn’t seem to be cooperating with me. The unexpected meniscus tear and knee surgery. The unexpected wrist surgery. The thumb. All of the joint pain I’m now experiencing. Is this all Tamoxifen related? Is it related to menopause? Is it part of being 54? I’m not sure. I just know that something needs to change and I’m feeling a little lost right now as to what I can do in order to feel better.

So there’s an update. I much prefer sharing funny stories, camping trip tales and new food finds, but today you get this. This part of life that just isn’t any fun but also a part of life that happens. I am extremely grateful to be cancer free and I remind myself of that daily.

Thanks for being here and reading.

I hope you all are having a fantastic summer and enjoying some fun activities, adventurous trips and making wonderful memories!

Several of you reached out asking where I was and you have no idea how much I appreciate that! Thank you! You’re all just the best.

I’ve missed this little corner of my world.

Until next time.

“love the life you live, live the life you love”