Every once in a while, I have to go a little deep with the blog and I am reminded why I titled my blog “The Weight of my Weight”.
My brain has been extra full lately with thoughts of food and wanting to eat and eat and I’m not sure why. I have had so many moments recently where all I can think about is what is in the pantry! I go to the pantry. I open the doors. I look at the food. I think about eating something that I do not need. I am not hungry and I know this. I close the door. I walk away. Five minutes later (or maybe two minutes) I am back, looking, thinking, stressing. It’s like I just want to dive into the pantry and eat all of the chips and nuts and bars until I explode. This is “past Julie thinking” and I don’t know why these thoughts are happening.
I have walked away from the kitchen many times recently without eating anything unnecessary, but it has not been easy. I sometimes go to bed feeling like I’m still thinking about food. I know that I am not hungry. You would think that I would crawl into bed and feel so satisfied that I didn’t binge, but I don’t. I just feel anxious and continue to think about eating something. It’s like if I could just eat something, that feeling would go away, but then I would go from the anxiety of thinking about eating to the anxiety and frustration for eating.
I had so much fun last weekend with my friends but the food felt overwhelming for me. I took plenty of point friendly options, but the “not so friendly options” were so difficult for me to ignore.
I’m sleeping like crap and I really have no answers. I feel like when I’m out of sync I typically have a small clue of what is really going on in my head, but honestly, I don’t know right now.
I dream often and vividly. I always have. I’ve had two dreams recently that I wake up in the morning and I am at my highest weight ever and nothing in my closet fits. It’s just a dream, I know, but it leaves me feeling emotional, frustrated and confused.
WHAT IS HAPPENING INSIDE MY HEAD???
I had decided that Monday had to be a great day mentally and physically. With the first of the month falling on Monday, I took that as an opportunity to regroup and tell myself that I would have a Mindful May.
Keep busy. Leave the house. Start a project. Do something to stay focused on life outside of food.
That’s easier said than done when you have to eat everyday.
Monday was hard. I kept within my points, but I seriously thought about eating all day long.
Tuesday was easier. I made food that I really like (BLT on Sweet Potato Buns) and I tried hard to focus on mindful eating and enjoying the food while I had it in front of me to eat.
Wednesday all I could think about was…” Do not make poor choices at the food truck!!” I took fruit and planned well, but when I got to the truck, all I could think about was eating. Last week, I did. When I came home last week and tried to figure the points, it wasn’t as bad as I thought, but I was frustrated more with the fact that I just kept wanting bites of everything. It was not about being hungry. This week, I did think about eating a lot while I was working. I weighed out a burger, topped it with zero point items, then struggled through the rest of the lunch shift trying not to think about the other food that I wanted to eat.
Wednesday night I went to book club. I almost didn’t go simply because of the food. There was plenty of fresh fruit and raw veggies. All I could see was the pizza, dip and wine. I ate dinner before I went. I took hot tea and drank that. I ate a few strawberries, but only because I could not stop thinking about the pizza. I did go home feeling satisfied that I only had hot tea and strawberries, but again, I felt stressed thinking about “not eating pizza” the whole time I was there.
I know that I will always struggle with this and that some days will be easier than others. I also know that making the decision to go to work for WW will be one of the best decisions that I could have made to continually steer me back in the right direction. I do have to admit, as a WW Leader, I feel kinda dumb right now when it comes to my own journey and I hate to disappoint anyone.
Okay, thanks for listening.
Now, on to those steps!
Tucker and I enjoyed a nice walk outside yesterday, even though it is May and I had to bundle up.
I was determined to get my 12,000 steps yesterday, and the last few steps were pacing up and down the hallway before I jumped into the shower last night! Maybe in my robe, maybe not.
Breakfast – 7 SP
Egg White Omelet and 1/2 Serving of gf Oatmeal topped with Warm Blueberries, 1 tsp of Honey and 1 T. of Trader Joe’s Nut Butter.
I am really loving this Nut Butter!
Snack – 0 SP
Fruit to eat while working at the Food Truck
Lunch – 8 SP
Bunless 6.5 oz (90/10) Burger on a bed of greens topped with Red Onion, Mustard, Dill Pickles, Cucumbers and Mustard
A bowl of goodness!
Snack – 8 SP
Un-Pictured Roasted Plantains and this Wrap with a 1 SmartPoint Whole Wheat Low Carb Tortilla, Shredded Lettuce and Turkey
Dinner – 8 SP
Leftover Stir Fry. This even tasted great on day two!
Daily SmartPoints Total = 31
2017 Goals
Make time each week to Meal Plan
Drink 100 ounces of water each day
Exercise 5 days a week
Eat three meals and one snack daily
FOUR 100 Mile Walking Challenges this year!
“love the life you live, live the life you love”
Oh my gosh. I’m so emotional about this topic right now. I just cried while reading your entire comment. As I was writing that blog post, I was thinking to myself, I am 50 years old! Will I ever not struggle with the food demons??? The answer is likely a no, but I am finding ways to make some days less of a struggle than others.
You are not alone, trust me. There have been a few social occasions that I have passed on so that I didn’t have to face the food table too.
I am so glad you are reading the blog. Please do not feel alone. You are not alone my friend.
Feel free to email me anytime if you ever need to chat or simple vent.
julesfarm@yahoo.com
Have a great weekend and remind yourself of how wonderful you are, no matter what challenges present themselves to you!
Hugs!
Julie
Hi Julie, I feel like I could have wrote this myself. It is so courageous of you to post your anxiety and emotions around food. I have very similar feelings about food and I’m so embarrassed to admit that it prevents me from doing some social activities as it’s just too overwhelming. Thank you for addressing that and making me feel like I’m not alone in that. I have never shared that with anyone, I just make excuses as it’s too embarrassing to be truthful. Like you, it’s never been about being hungry. I agree that keeping busy and trying to distract yourself is a good coping mechanism, but definitely easier said than done. I have always admired your willingness to work in a food environment. I know, I could never do that. It would just be too overwhelming. It has always felt like my “dirty little secret” and I’m so grateful that I came across your blog as you have completely validated my own struggle. I’m sure that your post has helped so many people as it addresses the elephant in the room (no pun intended!) that we are all so afraid to talk about. I just feel so alone and also ashamed that after all these years and I haven’t figured out the “cure”. Thank you so much for being so open with your struggle.
I agree. I do find that when I am at home and I have a project or a huge “to do” list, it helps to think about food less. I agree with the drink idea too! Thank you for your suggestions Michelle.
Happy Friday!
I’ll have to check out her blog. Thanks Nancy!
I’ve never even thought to do that Karen. Thank you for the suggestion. I promise not to listen in the car. lol
Maybe on my next walk?
Thanks again!
Have a great weekend!
Thank you Alyse. Your comment was the first one that I read, and I cried. I guess I really needed to release some stuff yesterday!
Thank you!!
I have had a few days like those and it is usually when I don’t have a lot to do. I start a project like cleaning something out. It directs my attention from eating. Just be sure to have something to drink. I use a Soda Stream and I add flavored HY Vee Liquid Water Enhancer, I love the Cherry Limeade with lime juice added to the glass of carbonated water over crushed ice. The Tangerine tastes just like Orange Soda. It fills me up.
Oh I thought of something I read on Skinny Doll blog (an Irish blogger)
The post is entitled: I’m Done! March 27
I made a copy for my WW leader and she wants to try and include it in a meeting but she’s not sure how to do it yet.
I’m done, will remind you why you work so hard at being healthy.
I’m in the same boat!
I just ate my dinner and started looking at emails so I wouldn’t get up and eat again.
I know it’s mind over matter–knowing that doesn’t help.
I’ve read a lot of books but it still comes down to our will power.
If we only could keep that mind set (or endorphins) that tells us how good we are doing even when we have to face pizza and wine.
Sometimes when I feel like you were feeling, that is, ravenous but not really needing to eat, I listen to weight-loss meditation on YouTube. It can be calming and I actually believe it helps if you listen to a good one. You seem to have a pretty busy schedule, I find it helps most when I have some free time and am able to just lay down, close my eyes and breathe. If I know that I’ve got something to do pretty soon I can’t relax enough. Oh, don’t listen to meditation or hypnosis tapes in the car…can cause accidents.
Thank you for your honesty. This post made me remember that we all struggle whether you’re a new member, lifetime or a leader. I so appreciate your putting it into words.