July 4th Shenanigans and Some Deep Thoughts

Putting your life out there on social media can be hard sometimes.

Post about things going great, and people assume your life is perfect.

Post about things not going so great, and you’re a Debbie Downer.

I try to post about all of it. I hope I never mislead anyone that my life is anything other than what it is. My life. We all have our story. We all have our happy moments that we enjoy celebrating and we all have our moments that aren’t so great and we simply do our best to accept them, deal with them, then move forward.

I have struggled to get back to my “before cancer” routine. I love writing my blog and I love the accountability that it gives me. I love all of the great people that blogging has allowed me to connect with. I want that all back and I just seem to be struggling to get there.

I want to blog about how proud of myself I am that things are going great post cancer and how I’m back in the zone and how awesome I feel. I certainly do have those days. However I also am having crappy days due to complications from meds that I am on. My body is not yet allowing me to do 100% of what I did before. My knees have me feeling extremely frustrated, and after turning 50 and feeling amazing, now at 51 1/2 I’m feeling like poo, so I have more days than I’d like to admit that my thoughts inside my head are full of frustrations. That’s just no fun to blog about. 

Being an optimistic person, I am convincing myself to get those thoughts of frustration out my head and move onto positive thoughts. I am successful at doing that, then it seems as though something else comes up and derails my optimistic mood back into feelings of frustration.

I have close family and friends dealing with a lot of personal issues right now and I want to help them all, and I know that I can not realistically do that, but I want to. I am constantly trying to come up with the words that will help them know they can face their challenges successfully.

I feel like I should be doing more to help them. I feel as though my hands are tied as how to help other than just being there.

So many people have helped me over that last year and I feel as though I have not been gracious enough with my Thank You’s. Thank You does not seem like enough. That is in the back of my mind a lot. 

That’s where I’m at right now. A little down, but always working at being an optimist and finding the good and the lesson in all of it.

 

Here’s a recap of the weekend. I swear I had a great weekend with friends and I know I am lucky to have them!

July 4th I participated in a 5K. I set a record time for myself. 59:58. LOL.  It was my slowest 5K ever and I walked (limped really) the entire thing. When my friend Antonia asked me to do the 5K, I did tell her I was having some knee issues and I would need to walk it. She said no problem, it was just a way to start off our 4th with a fun activity with others. Great idea. Well, we walked slow and she was a trooper to go at my pace. And we really did have a great time and went out for breakfast after!

Oh, and Antonia is a total flirt!

 

 

This was the 40th Anniversary for the Lenexa Freedom Run.

 

We were literally at the end of the pack. Behind us, Firefighters in full gear with racing numbers pinned on their uniform and carrying the Flag. It was HOT HOT HOT that day too.

 

We did it. Thanks for getting me out of bed ridiculously early Antonia!

 

The morning of July 5th, a good high school friend of mine called. She asked me if I was driving. Bad news. I pulled over.

One of our high school friends died tragically on the night of July 4th. He has a daughter in college, a son in high school and another son in grade school. He had called me on my birthday to see how I was doing with my surgeries and healing. He had just called a month ago to check on me again. We hadn’t seen each other in many years, but there are several of us that have remained close since high school and his sudden death has been a shock to many. I can’t imagine what his family is feeling. He was 51.

His funeral was out of town on Monday, but we are gathering several friends together Friday night in his honor. It just sucks.

 

July 5th, after the bad news, I was off to the lake with friends for a long weekend. I didn’t give myself permission to process that phone call. My knee was also really bothering me but I was determined to have a good time at the lake with friends, and I did.

I was excited to see that my friend had bought kayaks!

 

 

We enjoyed coffee on the deck in the mornings.

 

We were treated to Bloody Mary’s. Thanks Ted!

 

Who knew such great conversations could happen for hours on a floaty noodle??

 

We played lots of games.

 

Mike is “Where’s Waldo?” in the picture. Cracking up.

 

There was also a wave runner. There also may have been a Wave Runner incident. I was the passenger with a friend, (again, Thanks Ted!) and he was playing and I was fine with it all. It tipped and we fell off. That didn’t hurt, but climbing back onto that thing was a real chore with two sore knees. I finally made it back up on it and I was exhausted but ready for more. We had a blast.

By Saturday night my knee was killing me and I knew I had likely pushed it. Sunday morning before leaving the lake, I iced it pretty good.

 

Monday I stayed home and iced it and was happy my appointment was scheduled for the following day. I made that appointment over two weeks ago. I was now starting to feel like my knee was going to give out on me. I took Monday very slowly.

Tuesday I got a cortisone shot in each knee and I was excited to feel better soon! Still pretty swollen. Some of this is also a side effect of a post cancer medicine that I am taking. I am going to my oncologist on Wednesday to discuss a new medication. Eye roll and frustration here.

 

This morning I woke up and was happy to feel my knee had less pain. I showered and got dressed to go to work my WW meeting. I was feeing at least 50% better. I headed out with my bags to climb into my truck. As I did that, my right knee snapped on me. I hopped to the garage steps and sat there wondering what to do. I could not put any weight on it. It was not good. I knew I couldn’t hop up the steps.

 

A friend of mine had crutches and brought them to me. 

 

I’ve been here on the couch for six hours. I have an appointment in the morning at 9:00.

I’m trying so hard to move forward and ignore the negative things happening. I’m trying to deal with circumstances as they arise and move forward. I’m feeling so frustrated with my body right now and feeling super defeated.

I know it will get better. It always does.

This is where it’s hard to blog because I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, and my life is really amazing and I feel grateful everyday. It’s just one of those periods where I guess I’m trying to figure it all out and sometimes don’t know just what to say.

I am however pleased with the fact my weight is where is was one year ago, and that is a huge accomplishment for me with all that has happened. It makes me truly believe that I have made WW a lifestyle. My weight is about 10-12 pounds above where I would ideally like it to be, but being where I was one year ago reminds me that I have said good-bye to many old bad habits.

That’s all for now.

I continue to work towards being my best self. I will not let this roadblock deter me from my goals of living a healthy life. (Hello body, are you listening to me??)

“love the life you live, live the life you love”